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Alternate Realism

My thoughts, feelings and most importantly, my truth

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For Just A Little While

To want so much is foolish,

Or more accurately, just wishful thinking.

I grieve the absence of something that never was

And never could be.

But my love is there unbroken in all its fullness and desire.

I desire all of him, his heart, body and soul but it is only his body he feels free to give me.

He says he loves, but I know he doesn’t know.

His history has proven that he is still that little boy, alone in the dark.

He moves from one heart to another

Always looking, always needing renewal, approval and adoration.

He will never be satisfied with any of us – especially us,

The ones who know, although in spite of our knowing

We are the ones who truly love, who know and feel

The truth as it really is, not just as we and he would like it to be.

He is what he is,

For better or worse.

He thinks he is there this time, but

Slowly and steadily it will come back, it always does.

It creeps in at first unnoticed and then when noticed denied  but

It always wins out in the end, it just happens and always will, every time.

It is a very sad state of affairs,

This pattern with no hope.

So my heart will continue to bleed for me and him while I wait

For his arms and kisses to take the pain away yet again—

Even though I know it will be only be for just a little while.

Not Because of You

Why do I ask myself why?

It is the question I don’t want to ask

With the answers I don’t want to hear.

I give it all to you, all of me, nothing is withheld.

All is free and presented to you as the gift

I value it to be.

I hold it dear and close to my heart,

But you, you don’t see it the same way, because to you it is not personal.

Nothing is held close to your heart so

When I give it all and you take it happily, I feel good

About the giving but you just expect the getting.

I suppose it is my own fault, my fault in expecting you

To value it the way I do.

I lie with you and let you in to become part of my soul

Part of my very being and in my wishful thinking I see you as

Doing the same for me.  I feel a part of you, a part of your being.

But in reality I am not because you don’t want me to be.

You give yourself freely and totally but in the physical sense only.

Your heart and soul are not present, not given.

So when you tell me of the others I see you as giving them that precious

Gift I give to you and your actions hurt me to my soul.

But I am wrong

You can‘t give away that which you do not have and when I remind myself of that fact,

 My hurt becomes for you and not because of you.

Always Over

It is always over, every time, he is always gone.

As the time ticks by the

Passion turns to disappointment and

Emptiness in the space of a heartbeat as I watch him go.

Those moments of togetherness, after the joining of souls,

Disappears and leaves no warmth behind.

All he leaves is a void, a longing and a fear,

Is this time the last?

I am not ready for the end but

I know it is coming soon.

My heart cannot hold on much longer.

The object of its affection is indifferent, cold,

Too busy living a pretend life to see,

To see what really matters.

It’s just a different day to him,

A different bed, none of which matter.

But he is happy in the world he has chosen

And will never leave it.

But I am not,  I thought I could be

But I was wrong, again.

Too much dishonesty and disrespect,

Too much bull and not enough caring.

Yes, the end is coming soon

But not yet…

I am still not ready.

Deep People Hurt Deeply

 

Shallow people hurt shallowly,

Deep people hurt deeply.

Content people hurt with acceptance and

Complete people hurt with their whole being.

But what of the false people?

Is their hurt just an act,

Just the product of the end of another false relationship?

I’d rather be deep and continue to hurt deeply than to

Never experience the truth that says 

A hurt that runs this deeply is just more proof of

The joy of having loved the same.

 

Because of Him

 

Gratitude for the smallest of things

Becomes gratitude for the eternal.

Because the eternal exists in even the smallest of things,

Like a baby’s laugh, a milkweed bloom and crystal blue winter skies.

An autumn leaf, falling softly and quietly

Releases its life full of gratitude in a celebration of color.

It is the smallest things in my life that cover me in warmth and

Feed the fire of my gratitude with love.

I am thankful for sunrises and sunsets,

The defining moments of each day’s beginning and end.

I am grateful for my children and grandchildren –

All manifestations of God.

Even the life light in a tiny chipmunk’s eye at the bird feeding station

Holds and spirit of the heavens and the knowledge of Krishna’s grace.

And when I am in danger of forgetting these things, clear glass canning jars, standing in a sparkling row,

Bring me back to my home, – the one I hold deep within.

It is my gratefulness that fuels my passions for the loves in my life, from acorns to hummingbirds

Grasshoppers to lightning storms,

Soft kisses at midnight,

And sweet love in the morning.

I am grateful to exist in a flood of grace and love.

Grace that is endless and effortless, and love that is all encompassing.

My heart is full and soft and my smiles are because of him.

Hari Om

The Question I Don’t Want to Ask

 

Why, why do I ask why?

It is the question I don’t want to ask

With the answers  I don’t want to hear.

I give it all to you, all of me, nothing is withheld.

All is freed and presented to you as the gift

I value it to be.

I hold it  and you dear and close to my heart,

But you, you don’t see my point to it all, because to you it is not personal.

Nothing is held close to your heart so

When I give it all and you take it happily, I feel good

About the giving but you just expect the getting.

I suppose it is my own fault, my fault in expecting you

To value it the way I do.

I lie with you and let you in to become part of my soul

Part of my very being and in my wishful thinking I see you as

Doing the same for me.  I feel a part of you, a part of your being.

But in reality I’m not because you don’t want me to be.

You give yourself freely and totally but in the physical sense only.

Your heart and soul are not present, not given.

So when you tell me of the others I see you as giving them that precious

Gift I give to you and your actions hurt me to my soul.

But I am wrong

You can‘t give away what you don’t have and when I remind myself of that fact,

 My hurt becomes for you not because of you.

A Valuable Part of Two

The heat of a summer day softens and slips silently

Into evening twilight.

 

The shifting shadows and cooling breezes of evening chill my being and

Bring an acute awareness of sorrow and emptiness to my state of mind.

 

This subtle, soft twilight is lonely and empty now

But has been beautiful at other times and under other circumstances in my life.

 

Twilight holds tenderness and acceptance of love in times of loving but

When love is missing or withheld, twilight is punishing in its loneliness.

 

A solitary stroll through the garden is a waste;

There is no joy in relaxing in the rocking hammock alone.

 

Light sadly leaves the landscape and drains the world of color

Just as this lost love drains my soul and heart of color.

 

The trees along the edge of the clearing blend into a fortress wall,

Locking me out in my loneliness.

 

Fireflies blink on and off but evade my eyes behind the fortress of trees

and the stark cold moon light accentuates  my solitude by throwing only one shadow behind me.

 

In better times, when I was not alone, the deepening twilight was a magical time,

Full of love and acceptance.

 

We walked the garden paths together, basking in the glow of the moon

And soaking in the softness of star-shine.

 

Our shadows moved willingly behind us, hand in hand,

And fireflies lit our way home.

 

I want to go back to that time, back to being a valuable part of two,

Back to the times of softened days that faded into loving nights of passion and acceptance.

 

I need you take me there, please…

I Can Only Hope

Have you ever loved so much it made you cry just to think of its power of how it

Took over your being, made you do things you never thought 

You were capable of?

It is frightening and wonderful all at the same time,

Until it isn’t, until it becomes only frightening and you realize he doesn’t feel anything,  

He sees you only if he has nothing or no one else to do.

He says that isn’t true, that he is just busy,

But then you find out that he hasn’t slept in his own apartment for four nights.

You find out through facebook that he spent two nights in one town, two in another.

All innocent? Just visiting friends? I think not, his apartment is only

10 miles away, he could have driven home.

But I’m not supposed to care, after all he never said I was his girlfriend,

Just his sex partner, with no rights and not entitled to any respect.

We have been here before, our story always ends the same but then, after a few months

He comes back, back to say he’s sorry, he has missed me, he is a fool for leaving before and

On and on it goes until the next time, and then it starts again.

I don’t know who is crazier, me or him.  Time after time I take him back, love him still. 

Pretend the others don’t exist, stuff my feelings deep inside where they fester and rot me

Soul and body from the inside out.

 They take over my being and turn my mind to mush

And all the time he just continues on, knowing that I am safely in his pocket, 

He can do no wrong, until he does, again, and I can’t take it any more and tell him so.

That is when his indifference really shows, his attitude changes,

He lets me know just how little he cares, someone else has become more important and

He is off again, leaving me broken on the floor.

Broken and bleeding but unable to die, too alive to give in but to hurt

To go on and so

I live in limbo for months until the next time he changes his mind, sends me a “how are

you” text, just an innocent inquiry, or so I think and then…

He is back and I am gone, each time loosing another part of myself.

Maybe after enough times I will disappear altogether when he leaves, 

Maybe he will eventually leave nothing of me left to carry on and I

Can finally be done with this pain…

I can only hope.

 

 

.

As If Nothing Had Changed

Soft sunset, calling wood thrush,

Warm spicy wine and lingering echoes of love misgiven twist in my soul.

The twilight is lonely tonight although the wine is still sweet and

The bird song is just as haunting as if nothing had changed, as if nothing had happened.

But tonight’s moonlight only throws one shadow,

The other is gone, gone in body, soul, heart and mind, as if he never was.

I must wash the dirt he left behind off of my hands and body

And wrap myself in the cool white linen sheets of my bed and

Sleep, sleep in the arms of death until the time of rebirth.

A rebirth to a world that refuses to tolerated those of his kind.

A world where all hearts are safe and the pain of betrayal

Is never felt again.

And what of the other? I don’t know,

I can’t remember his name.

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